"The Science of Talking to Strangers"

This past February, I wrote a blog post (see "Mistakenly seeking solitude") about an interesting study published in the Journal of Experimental Psychology by Nicholas Epley, a social science researcher at the University of Chicago.  The study ("Mistakenly Seeking Solitude") is about twelve years old, though Epley recently wrote about his research in a short article published this past month in the Wall Street Journal (see "The Science of Talking to Strangers").  Of note, Epley just released a new book earlier in May this year, A Little More Social: How Small Choices Create Unexpected Happiness, Health, and Connection.

Epley and his colleague Juliana Schroeder conducted a total of nine experiments, both in the field and in the laboratory setting.  Study participants were Chicago commuter train and public bus riders who were asked to talk to a stranger, to sit in solitude, or to do whatever they normally would do, then fill out a survey to measure how they felt afterwards.  Even though the study participants reported greater well-being when they did engage with strangers, they predicted precisely the opposite pattern of experiences.    Based on the survey results, study participants were reluctant to engage with strangers, because they felt that other people wouldn't be interested in talking.  Again, Epley and Schroeder found that the opposite was the case.  Not only were people open to making idle conversation, they found the experience much more pleasurable when they did, particularly compared to choosing silent solitude. 

In the Wall Street Journal editorial, Epley wrote about his own personal experience on a train commute, in which he reluctantly initiated a conversation with a complete stranger.  He writes:

A woman who looked more than a decade older than I, wearing a fabulous red hat, sat next to me. I put other people in experiments for a living, but that morning I decided to put myself in one. Instead of ignoring my neighbor, I would try to connect in a conversation. My brain immediately shut down the idea: "She doesn’t want to talk; you’ll have nothing to talk about; she’ll probably think you’re a creep trying to hit on her." Nevertheless, I worked up my courage and said, "Hi, my name is Nick. I love your hat. I have one just like it!"

To his surprise, the woman engaged in a full conversation with him for the entire commute, and then she thanked him afterwards.

He writes again:

This conversation wasn’t only good, it was surprisingly good. The gap between my pessimistic fears and my positive experience was massive. That gap also suggested a resolution to the paradox of highly social creatures’ avoiding each other. Social connection isn’t something that just happens to us. It’s a choice we make: to be bold and connect with someone or to hold back and avoid. It may be the most important choice we make routinely because it determines so much of our happiness, health and success. If we’re overly pessimistic about how someone will respond to us, then we might choose to hold back too often.

Interestingly enough, this conversation further prompted Epley's interest and directly led to his research study.  Epley goes on to write that our pessimism about talking to strangers extends beyond simple conversation.  He writes, "Asking for help, performing an act of kindness, giving someone a compliment, expressing your gratitude, or calling an old friend to reconnect is more favorably received than those who are reaching out expect. How much more often would you reach out in kindness if you knew how much good you could actually do?"

He ends his article with a quote from Fred Rogers, who said, "Imagine what our real neighborhoods would be like if each of us offered, as a matter of course, just one kind word to another person."  Imagine indeed.