"Real friends are useless"

We are always striving for wellbeing and happiness - what some have termed the "good life".  The ancient Greek philosopher Aristotle believed that the "good life" could be achieved by striving for what he called eudaimonia, variously translated from Greek as "wellbeing", "flourishing", or even simply, "happiness".  He also believed that we could achieve eudaimonia by striving for excellence.  

Aristotle said, "We are what we repeatedly do."  He also said, "Excellence is never an accident. It is always the result of high intention, sincere effort, and intelligent execution; it represents the wise choice of many alternatives - choice, not chance, determines your destiny"  (on a side note, the quote, "Excellence, therefore, is not an act, but a habit" is commonly attributed to Aristotle, but it was actually a statement made by the historian and author Will Durant, who was paraphrasing Aristotle).  In other words, if we continue to strive for excellence, we will achieve excellence.  It is through the pursuit (and achievement) of excellence that we achieve eudaimonia.

Dr. Robert Waldinger, Harvard Medical School physician and author of The Good Life: Lessons from the World's Longest Scientific Study of Happiness has found that our relationships (and the quality of those relationships) have an important impact on our physical and mental health.  Aristotle also talked about the importance of friendships and relationships for achieving eudaimonia.  He actually proposed a hierarchy of friendship in his book, Nicomachean Ethics, in which he writes, "Friendship is one of the most indispensable requirements of life...We consider a friend to be one of the greatest of all good things, and friendlessness and solitude a very terrible thing, because the whole of life and voluntary interactions are with loved ones."  Aristotle listed three different types (or species) of friends:

1. Friendship of utility: These friendships are based on what someone can do for another person (what someone can do for you or conversely, what you can do for someone else). For example, you may be looking for a job and need someone to "put in a good word for you" or serve as a reference. Importantly, these friendships are more transactional in nature and frequently end as soon as the use or need for the person is no longer present.  These kinds of persons have generally very little to do with character.

2.  Friendship of pleasure: These friendships are based on the enjoyment of a shared activity. For example, these kinds of friendships involve friends who you might go out for a drink with, someone you go to a sporting event with, or even someone who you enjoy a particular hobby with.  Again, these types of friendships can also end quickly, as they depend on people's ever-changing likes and dislikes.

3.  Friendship of virtue: These friendships are based more on character, and they are generally more sustained than the other two kinds of friendships.  For example, these friends are the people you like for themselves, who typically influence you positively and push you to be a better person. These are the deeper relationships that, when established, make us happier and better as individuals.

While all three kinds of friendship are important, Aristotle suggested that "friendships of virtue" are the ones that will truly help us achieve a state of eudaimonia.  He wrote that "For perfect friendship you must get to know someone thoroughly and become intimate with them, which is a very difficult thing to do."  These kinds of friendships require honesty, acceptance (of all flaws), selflessness, and perhaps most importantly, love.  Aristotle also suggested that the act of loving is better than the reciprocal act of being loved.  He wrote, "Since friendship depends more on loving, and it is those who love their friends that are praised, loving seems to be the characteristic virtue of friends, so that it is only those in who this is found in due measure that are lasting friends, and only their friendship that endures."

Arthur C. Brooks, Harvard Business School professor and author of Build the Life You Want: The Art and Science of Getting Happier (which he co-wrote with Oprah Winfrey) refers to deal friends versus real friends.  Deal friends are those individuals who we may strategically keep in contact with, as our mutual relationship may prove to be useful at some point in the future.  In other words, deal friends are what Aristotle refers to as "friends of utility" or even "friends of pleasure".  True friendship, however, is more than just camaraderie.  Our real friends are "friends of virtue".  These involve friendships built upon a foundation of mutual love.  Our real friends are the ones that we can share our truest and deepest selves with - these are the kinds of friends that we can always count on.  These are the kinds of friends that will drop everything that they are doing if and when we need them.

Brooks writes, "Deal friendships feel incomplete because they don’t involve the whole self. If the relationship is necessary to the performance of a job, it might require us to maintain a professional demeanor. We can’t afford to risk these connections through confrontation, difficult conversations, or intimacy, like we can with real friends."  Brooks goes on to suggest that "the best friends in life are the ones who can do nothing for you."  In other words, real friends are useless.  Your real friends bring you joy, even when they can do nothing for you.