I am reading a book right now called "Dear Madam President: An Open Letter to the Women Who Will Run the World" by Jennifer Pamieri. Ms. Palmieri was President Obama's White House Director of Communications (in addition to several positions she held during President Bill Clinton's terms in the White Office) and Director of Communications for Senator Hillary Clinton's 2016 presidential campaign. It's a pretty good book so far, but there is one chapter that really struck home with me. Ms. Palmieri called it "Nod less. Cry More." Her premise is that women in the working world (a world which was first created by men for men over many, many years: "Men spent centuries building the professional world, devising rules to make sure it was a comfortable place for them and that it was geared toward their particular qualities and skills.") don't show emotion - indeed, they are not allowed to show emotion - because emotion (i.e., crying) is a sign of weakness. "You don't blanch, you don't panic, you show no emotion. I can handle this. I can handle anything." Over the years, women have adopted the so-called "nod" when hearing bad news for the first time. Women "nod" instead of crying.
As I read the chapter, I thought back over the years when I have worked with and for women in positions of authority. I have to confess that I've been guilty over the years of accusing women of showing too much emotion (not women in general here, but specific women in specific situations). I have worked my entire adult life in a profession where empathy, compassion, and sensitivity are not only expected, they are necessary to be successful. Physicians and other health care providers just can't be robots - it's okay to show emotion, because we deal with some incredibly difficult issues, such as the death of one of our patients. However, I can remember times when I have looked on leaders - actually both men and women leaders, but women more so - that have showed too much emotion and suggested that they were bad leaders. For example, when the media accused former U.S. Representative and Speaker of the House, John Boehner, of crying too much, I agreed with them. However, if I were to be completely honest, I have been harder on women leaders than men leaders who show too much emotion. In other words, I have been guilty of doing exactly what Ms. Palmieri writes about in her book - equating women leaders who show emotion (any emotion, let alone "too much emotion") with poor leadership ability.
I remember a time when I was on a medical humanitarian mission with the military. We were in a foreign country and were guests of the highest ranking military official in the region. Our unit's "Officer in Charge" (OIC) was a female. There was a ceremony at the end of our visit, when the OIC and the local ranking officer (in this case, a Brigadier General) were standing together and accepting a gift from a local family that we had helped. The gift was brought up by a small, sickly young boy - I can't remember exactly what condition he had, but I seem to remember that he walked with a very noticeable limp. I remember seeing the OIC moved to tears when the boy walked up. I remember looking at the General who was stood stoically and without emotion, and thinking to myself, "This is not appropriate that our OIC is crying!" As Ms. Palmieri would put it, the General was "nodding" and our OIC was "crying."
Really, what's so wrong about showing emotion - especially in this instance? Crying is not a sign of weakness. Showing emotion is not a sign of weakness. Showing emotion actually shows that you are a caring human being! Looking back now, I have to ask myself the question why the Brigadier General wasn't moved to tears - did he not care about the little boy? Was he trying to put on a show of toughness for his troops and for the visiting Americans? Really, shouldn't we want leaders who are compassionate, empathetic, and sensitive to the circumstances of others? Shouldn't we want our leaders to be human? When it all comes down to it, Ms. Palmieri is absolutely correct. We should "nod less and cry more."
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